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爱和浪漫是什么?斯滕伯格和艾佛瑞尔对爱和浪漫的理论

斯滕伯格关于爱情的理论(1986)

斯滕伯格(Robert J. Sternberg)在一九八六年提出“爱的三角理论”,这在各种关于爱情的讨论中大概都看得到。在斯滕伯格的理论中,爱情有三个组成要素,而这三个要素形成一个三角形:亲密(intimacy)、激情(passion)、决定/ 承诺(decision/commitment)。而后“爱的三角理论”又出现了八种延伸类型:

一、只有亲密要素—喜欢(liking)

二、只有激情要素—迷恋爱(infatuated love)

三、只有决定/承诺要素—空洞爱(empty love)

四、亲密+ 激情要素—浪漫爱(romantic love)

五、亲密+ 承诺要素—温情爱(companionate love)

六、激情+ 承诺要素—愚蠢爱(fatuous love)

七、亲密+ 激情+ 承诺要素—圆融爱(consummate love)

八、缺乏任何要素—无爱(nonlove)

虽然斯滕伯格这样认真地将爱情一一分类,但我们对于“爱”的印象或想像多半集中在“浪漫爱”这个概念上,在爱情中最期待浪漫,也认为浪漫是相爱及维持关系的要素之一,似乎不够浪漫或者不会浪漫就等于对方爱得不够。

但是,浪漫在感情中真的有这么重要吗?还有,浪漫的定义是什么?

这就跟美一样也难有普世一致的标准;你可能觉得在室外淋雨弹吉他唱情歌献给另一半很浪漫,他可能觉得求婚时端出一克拉的钻戒更浪漫,或者七老八十、满头白发时还一起牵手散步最浪漫。所以有人能够更详细地定义“浪漫”吗?

 

艾佛瑞尔关于浪漫的理论(1985)

一九八五年,一位心理学家艾佛瑞尔(James R. Averill)勇敢地将浪漫分解出四个组成要素:将所爱的人理想化、开始得突然、生理反应、愿意为所爱的人奉献。

一、将所爱的人理想化

这是非常常见的状况,我们看到一个人的时候,通常会先看他的外表,然后就开始从这个外表幻想出一个故事,而且也常会将故事想得很远很美好。

二、开始得突然

也就是“一见钟情”啦!但一见钟情的故事不会人人发生,曾有美国学者对一见钟情很好奇,就跑去找了一群谈恋爱的大学生。“来、来,你们说一下你们多少人是一见钟情的?”他就这样问了一下,结果大概只有百分十六的比例。

所以一见钟情不是没有,不过是真的罕见。但在一百部浪漫爱情片中,不会只有十六部是一见钟情的,大部分都是一见钟情,所以就会有个比例尺的问题,你会忘记电影是夸大的,认为大部分的浪漫爱情应该是一见钟情,所以我这个一定不是真爱啦!我第一眼都没有好好看到他,看到他我也没感觉呀!如果你真心这样相信,我想你是电影看太多了、漫画看太多了!不过一见钟情虽不是普遍存在,但不排除是存在的。或者我们陷得太深,我也常在理性和感性间徘徊,比如杰克和露丝,感性的时候,我听不进去旁人说的任何,我坚信一见钟情一系列他们两个的故事,我认为那是真实的,当电影落幕我回归现实的时候,在理性的思考下,我认为其实也存在,只是不多。

三、生理反应

就是见到自己喜欢的人会开始脸红心跳,脑中一片空白,做出手脚不协调的动作,讲话也开始结结巴巴……这些生理上的反应。许多影视作品都有这种主角见到心仪对象,然后完全手足无措的冏状态。有人甚至光是在脑中想到喜欢的人就会痴痴地笑出来,或是自言自语,念到对方的名字也会油然而生一种莫名的幸福感。

这种“满溢出来的幸福”如果能和对方共享,那大概是真的让人“只羡鸳鸯不羡仙”。当然也有爱得死去活来、“没有妳我活不下去”的那种,像发疯一样,这也是一种强烈的生理反应。一般来说,爱情的生理反应是情感方面的,不过也有的会发展到性幻想或产生性的冲动,希望能跟对方发生进一步的交流。

四、愿意为所爱的人奉献

关于这个我不想说太多,很难说的周全,所以我带着惭愧请观者评论补充

 

对比斯滕伯格和艾佛瑞尔

斯滕伯格关于爱情的理论和研究我不需要用任何语言或行为予以夸赞或证明等。客观评价来说,我只是认为这样的学术研究很理性很周全,给出了爱情的参考系,让大众能用最简单的形式认知爱情和非爱情。有兴趣了解的,我建议读斯滕伯格的《丘比特之箭》和《爱情心理学》。

艾佛瑞尔相比斯滕伯格在知名度上并不差许多,但不知为何,我很少有搜到中文的资料。对艾佛瑞尔我也是知之甚少,也是出于他对浪漫的定义才对其知名的。对于学术上的研究,几句话是说不清楚的。

即便不能通过简单的一篇文章了解二位心理学专家,但是可以初步认知爱和浪漫是有很大不同的。

我想:是爱包括了浪漫,不是浪漫包括了爱,浪漫是爱的一部分,不是爱的全部。我认为追求浪漫的人也许可怜,是因为他们的感情缺少承诺,不够圆融。但我想也许他们过去的故事让他们不再相信承诺、不再需要圆融,或者在他们看来,那就够了,又或者根本没有圆融,甚至斯滕伯格是错的。我们要有主见,就是这样。

本文注解:

1.斯滕伯格:罗伯特·J·斯滕伯格(Robert J. Sternberg),台湾和香港地区多译为史登堡

2.艾佛瑞尔:詹姆斯·R·艾佛瑞尔(James R. Averill)。

 

参考文献:

关于艾佛瑞尔的生平 https://www.umass.edu/pbs/people/james-averill

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